Fear

When I was a boy I had a lot of fears.  Probably not any more than most kids my age but they were real.  I didn’t want to tell anyone about them because I thought they were stupid. My mother had a terrible fear of snakes (Ophidiophobia).  She almost had a heart attack when she saw the rubber snake I had bought at Disneyland sitting in the middle of my bed.  I saw her terror.  She knew it was not real but the fear was.

 One fear that I dealt with frequently was DARK.  I was terribly scared of the dark.  Going to bed at night was tough. Looking under the bed before I turned off the light was a common practice for me.  The little plug in nightlight had to be on before the light switch was contemplated.  Worst was being outdoors. My Mom or my sister would tell me to go pull the clothes off the line at night and I would make 50 trips out in the backyard to do it because I could only pull one or two things down before running back in the house to safety.  I hated it. 

By the time I was 8 or 9 I decided enough was enough.  My logical kid brain knew there was no monster or dangerous person behind me but I struggled with it constantly.  So I decided to prove it to myself.  I would purposely go outside on the darkest moonless nights and stand alone in the backyard.  I would stand there as long as I could.  My instinct was telling me to look behind me but I would force myself not to.  This self-imposed conditioning seemed the only way out of my problem and I was going to keep at it until I was fixed.  Luckily for me my logical kid brain was developing fast and within a few weeks I was cured.  I no longer feared imaginary things in the dark and I could take down all the clothes on the line in one trip.  The only limit was how much clothes I could carry in my little arms.

Same thing held true with claustrophobia.  I was really bothered with this one.  My heart would pound and my skin would get clammy whenever I found myself in a small confined space.  I had beaten the dark factor but I figured this was the next fear to overcome and I did it the same way.  I faced it head on by putting myself in the smallest, darkest spaces I could find. 

We had a table with a cabinet underneath in the living room.  I was always the smallest kid in my class and I could just barely fit inside with the doors closed.  I had to lie on my side and pull my knees into my chest to do it but I could just fit.   I would lay there and listen to my heavy breath and my pounding heart for long periods of time.  Sometimes my mom would wonder where I was and call out to me.  It seemed a relief to kick open the door and get a break from my panic to tell her where I was.  With time it got better.  Once I conquered the hard box I would push myself headfirst into a small sleeping bag with no exit.  This one was way harder because my breath would grow heavy as the oxygen ran out.  It was also very hot!  I struggled with this one longer than the cabinet but eventually I was at peace with it and even felt a sense of comfort and relaxation towards the end.  I beat it.  I actually slept in a sleeping bag for years because I liked it so much.

Fast forward 28 years.  I am a scuba instructor in Mexico.  I am passionate about cave diving.  Not only the darkest environment you can find but often very confined and tight and add to that limited air supply and water everywhere.  Not only do I not fear, but I actually seek it out and thrive there.  Some of the most memorable moments of my life are miles inside dark water filled caves.   When I’m committed into a tight restriction with no place to turn around I am excited and alive.  These are the moments that bring meaning to my life and I relive them often.

Fear is an instinct that is there to keep us safe.  It tells us when to jump and when to run away but it is not always right.  Fear keeps us from doing.  Fear stops us from experiencing.  Fear limits our lives.  I fear falling off a building but looking down from the edge is exciting to me.  I fear being hurt in a motorcycle accident but going fast down a mountain road on two wheels is one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life!

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

Don’t let your fears stop you.  Don’t let them control you.  Face them directly with your chin held high and tell yourself you are better and stronger than that.  And when you do you may find the world opens up for you and the most memorable moments of your life will present themselves.  Take them and run with them.  And don’t be afraid to look back and remember them!

Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it."
---- Lt. John B. Putnam Jr. (1921-1944)